Nine Months of Horror
by CocaCola43
Summary: After eating some magic pies (that Atsuko cooked, but they were delicious) Kurama hasn't been feeling too well. Why? Well, maybe it's because the pies turned him into a girl...
1. Look in the Mirror

A/N: If you're reading this, please note that I have very limited knowledge of Yu Yu Hakusho, so please don't flame me if I mix some things up. Rather, I would much appreciate it if you left a review telling me what should happen at what time, why Kurama should be different in this story, et cetera. This will be an alternate universe fanfic....kind of.  
  
Okay. Enough with the stupid grown-up, eleventh grade vocabulary. Bottom line: don't get mad; GET REVIEWING!! *Ahem* That was uncalled for; I apologize.  
  
Nine Months of Horror  
  
By CocaCola43  
  
Chapter 1: Look in the Mirror  
  
Only the best fighter is able to ascend to the next round in a contest. This was common fact. But here, at school, with the upcoming who- can-eat-the-most-pies competition, it was different. Suddenly students who had never in their lives been able to shoot a basketball into the hoop, or hit the volleyball over the net, or even run a lap without starting to walk ten yards from where they started, were being singled out for being the most likely to eat the most pies. But there was a problem. Atsuko, who had unexpectedly decided to help the school committee run the competition, was given the job of baking the pies. Much to the dismay of Yusuke, she had proudly proclaimed her title to the students: Chief Pie Baker and Referee.  
  
"WHAT?" Yusuke exclaimed loudly when Atsuko, beaming, told him the news. "You can't bake pies! You can hardly get up in the mornings! WHAT in the world possessed you to volunteer to BAKE PIES?" This earned him a smack and an unusually fierce glare.  
  
"I can bake pies if I want to, you little ingrate!" Atsuko gave him another smack on the head.  
  
And so, five days passed. The day of the contest drew nearer. Everyone in the school was being forced to compete, except those with special allergies. Thus, nearly all of the students made up fake ailments. "Oh, I can't compete, I'm allergic to flour" and "Sorry, I can't go in, I'm allergic to peaches" and, most unusual "Oh, I can't, Mommy says pies are bad for me, and you know, everybody knows that Mommies know best" were some of the excuses made up by the mediocre little minds running through the mediocre little high school in that mediocre little town in that mediocre little country in that mediocre little continent in that mediocre big world in that mediocre HUGE universe...  
  
Anyway. Five days passed, and the day of the contest drew nearer. Atsuko was going crazy baking pies for everyone in the high school. Keiko came over everyday, trying to help, but she might as well have not been there for all the difference she made. Atsuko wouldn't let anyone touch the pie material except for her. "It's my responsibility," she insisted. "I'm trying to be a responsible parent for Yusuke, and if that means baking pies, I'll bake them."  
  
Yusuke rolled his eyes whenever he heard this.  
  
Then, a day later, the school board announced that instead of having everyone compete, they would be putting up a sign-up sheet outside the gym. Whoever wanted to enter would just put their name in one of the spaces. There were one hundred and fifty of them. Apparently, they thought that many people would want to enter.  
  
They were wrong.  
  
Only three people signed up for it: Yusuke (his mother had forced him to), Kuwabara, and Kurama.  
  
No one knew why Kurama was on that list. Not even Kurama himself was exactly sure. But he knew it had something to do with Hiei. And he also knew, quite well really, that he could not win that contest for which he had not signed up for but was still entering.  
  
When Kurama had walked into the classroom that morning, as calm as usual, he had *casually* looked over at the board, where the list was taped. Then his eyes widened. His name was there! He looked over at Hiei, who was smirking very softly in a pleased manner. How would he maintain his reputation at school if he had to shovel down pies at the speed of light? His stomach turned nauseatingly as he thought about the *delicious* pastries that Yusuke's mother would bake. He might as well go stuff his face with Kuwabara's extra kitty litter. (A/N: What kind of kitty litter does Kuwabara use?) Anyone could have suspected that Hiei was the one who had put him down for the contest. Kurama was furious, although he didn't show it.  
  
Naturally, Kurama was very cold to the fire-demon after that, refusing to look at him, only giving him a cool glare when he did. Hiei didn't seem to mind at all. 'He's probably imagining me humiliating myself in front of all those people,' Kurama thought. And that was probably true.  
  
But not really. The real reason for this was that the prize for eating the most pies was a check for 50,000 yen. Hiei wanted it badly, but he wasn't about to risk his own reputation for a measly 50,000. Nope. He was gonna risk Kurama's. And he was going to wheedle the prize money off him....somehow.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
The big day.....  
  
"Shuichi!" Kurama groaned and trudged to the stands, where Atsuko stood waiting, worrying her lower lip. She grinned shakily when Kurama reached her.  
  
"Hey there. I'm so scared.....I think I messed up on the pies." Atsuko sighed. Kurama tried not to say, "I knew you would," but it was hard.  
  
Instead he said, "Don't worry. No one will notice if you do." Atsuko's smile widened.  
  
"Thanks!" she called, as Kurama left her to go talk to Yusuke. Kurama snorted very lightly, but continued making his way toward the 14-year old teen, who was laughing obnoxiously at Kuwabara, who was trying to fix his hair in a hand-held mirror while yelling "Shut up! It ain't funny!" to Yusuke at the same time.  
  
"Do you think Yukina would like a man who likes kitties, fixes his hair in a pink Barbie mirror, and has speech problems?" Yusuke choked out through his laughter. "Maybe he's just being stupid."  
  
"Mm." Kurama looked impassively at Kuwabara. "He's not that bad."  
  
Yusuke looked surprised, then understanding. "You're worried about the contest?" Kurama didn't reply, but nodded.  
  
"Well, don't, it's not worth think-" A whistle blew, and Atsuko jogged over and pushed Kurama and Yusuke to the huge table where all the pies were displayed. Kurama's eyes nearly bugged out when he saw them, but he wasn't the bugging out kind of person. On the table were all sorts of different pies, each of them baked beautifully, almost perfect in their pie- ish virtue. If he didn't know better, he would have thought that she bought them from the bakery.  
  
Atsuko pushed him into a chair and pointed to the blueberry pie in front of him. "When the whistle blows, start eating," she instructed. Kurama nodded. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kuwabara sitting down and opening his mouth widely, probably so that stuffing his face would be an easier process. Yusuke, who was sitting all the way at the head of the table, was staring down at his lemon meringue pie mournfully, as if he didn't want to ruin such perfection.  
  
Mr. Tatenaka walked up to the microphone, which was positioned somewhere behind Yusuke's seat. He cleared his throat, and the sound was magnified ten times, making everyone wince. "So," he said. Everyone quieted down. Kurama spotted a smirking Hiei in the crowd somewhere. "We are all gathered here today to celebrate the courage of these three students, Urameshi Yusuke, Kuwabara Kazuma, and Minamino Shuichi. They have bravely volunteered to participate in this school's first annual pie-eating contest, sponsored by the school board, and helped by Urameshi Atsuko, who baked all these DELICIOUS pies for our three contestants. Give her a hand!" And he started to clap. No one else followed his lead, however. They were busy whispering to themselves: "Yusuke's MOM made those pies?" "Yeah, I know, I thought they were store-bought!" "But anything SHE makes is bound to be poisoned or something. She's YUSUKE'S mom, right?" "Right. So that means..." "MY POOR SHUICHI IS IN DANGER!!! SAVE HIM!!!" "Yeah, well if Kuwabara's gonna die, let him. I'm not stopping him eating those pies." "BUT MY POOR SHUICHI IS IN DANGER!" "Shuichi? Who cares about that momma's boy?" "HE'S NOT A MOMMA'S BOY! HE IS MY HERO! *Sob*"  
  
Mr. Tatenaka was still clapping, and sticking a forced smile onto his face. He cleared his throat again. "Um, anyway, just start!" He grabbed a whistle from Atsuko and blew hard, his cheeks puffing up, but there was no sound emitting the small metal thing in his hand. Mr. Tatenaka kept blowing, but there was no sound. He finally decided it wouldn't work and said again, "Start!"  
  
Kurama, quite frankly, started stuffing his face. The blueberry pie he was eating tasted a little strange, but not horrible as he had expected. He enjoyed it and moved on to the next pie. And the next. And the next.....  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Two hours and five and seven eighths of a pie later, Kurama lay on his bed at home, staring at the ceiling, feeling bloated, gurgly, and very, very fat. He wondered what Atsuko had put in there. But at least he won the competition by about half a pie. Kuwabara had given up on his fifth one. Yusuke only had two slices, and then rushed to the men's room and (this was rumor) thrown up all over the bathroom floor. Maybe he was anorexic.  
  
There was a strange tingly feeling around his temples, but it didn't matter. Kurama kept staring at the shapes and shadows on the ceiling. He found a tiger, a worm, a slice of pie, another slice of pie, a dog, and a fox. He wondered if the fox was really a fox. Maybe it was a cat. With five tails.  
  
Who cares? He fell asleep.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
He woke up the next morning feeling dreary and tired, quite unlike he usually awoke on other days. Kurama sighed, and flipped the blankets off him, clambered out of bed, and dressed. He found how much bigger his pants seemed to be and how much smaller his shirt seemed to be. Kurama shrugged. Maybe he'd just gained some weight. It wouldn't be surprising, since he had only the day before eaten almost six pies.  
  
The doorbell rang while he was putting on his shoes. He heard his mother say, "Who could that be?" and walk to answer the door. "Oh, hello," he heard. "Are you here to see Shuichi?" And then, "SHUICHI!!! SOMEONE'S HERE FOR YOU!!!"  
  
Kurama didn't want to go down. Let his stupid mother worry about him. He blinked. Stupid? When did his mother become "stupid?" Kurama shrugged again, and twisted a stand of his hair around one finger. He noted how fun it was.  
  
There were footsteps getting louder. They stopped at his front door, and he heard some guy say, "Kurama?" Kurama kept silent. The door opened, and someone vaguely familiar stepped in. It was someone....Hiei.  
  
Hiei walked in. His jaw dropped, and he stared at Kurama. Kurama got a bit nervous, and blushed.  
  
"Kurama?" Hiei croaked. "Is that YOU?"  
  
"Um, like, yeah?" Kurama gave him the duh-of-course-I-am-Kurama look. "Why?"  
  
"Look in a mirror."  
  
Kurama walked across the hall to the bathroom. "Why?" he said again, stopping in front of the mirror but not looking at his reflection. "Is there, like, something on my face?" Then he turned his head to face the steamy surface. And then, his jaw dropped too. Because, now, he wasn't just looking like a girl, he REALLY looked like a girl. But that was probably a side effect of eating too much. He always knew he was too skinny. "So?" he said. "I look more like a girl. What about it?"  
  
Hiei gaped at him. "You have....those."  
  
"Those?"  
  
"Those....err, breasts..." His voice faltered. "And hips and a waist and longer eyelashes...."  
  
"Oh." Kurama looked down at himself. Sure enough, there they all were. He tried to think about it logically. Was he really a girl now?  
  
Maybe he was.  
  
"OH MY F*CKING GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
A/N: The end of the first chapter. And hopefully, more to come. I need at least five reviews before I can continue. That's not really a lot, people. REVIEW! OR I WON'T UPDATE AT ALL!!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
I should really get around to updating my other stories, huh?  
  
REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	2. Is that YOU?

A/N: This is so cool. I actually got more than five reviews! *Twirls around and throws confetti in the air* Wow!  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Yu Yu Hakusho, then this stupid word processor would recognize some of the words I type. Sadly, that isn't gonna happen anytime soon. But who cares anyway. It's not like I really WANT to own it....and it's not like I really NEED it...*starts boohooing in corner of room*  
  
I have a question: was the last chapter really that funny? I didn't think so when I typed it.  
  
I will call Kurama a 'he' for the rest of this story (unless someone else is talking about him, say, Yusuke or something) because, well, he started out as a guy, right?  
  
Nine Months of Horror  
  
By CocaCola43  
  
Chapter 2: Is that YOU?  
  
"I'm not going to school, I CANNOT go to school, I'm a freakin' girl for God's sake!" Kurama practically screamed. "I'm gonna be laughed at like hell!"  
  
"But Shuichi, I'm sure it's just a weird side effect of the pies," Shiori protested. "You have to go to school! What will you do at home?" It suddenly hit her that her dear Shuichi had just screamed. "Shuichi, did you just lose your temper again?"  
  
"No, MOTHER. Oh my god, are you, like, TRYING to, like, piss me off?" said Kurama snobbishly.  
  
"How dare you speak like that to your mother, young man?!"  
  
"I TOLD YOU, I'M A FREAKIN' GIRL!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"DON'T YOU SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT, YOUNG MAN!!!"  
  
Hiei coughed very politely. Clearly, he was embarrassed at having to interrupted the feud between mother and son. Kurama had even grabbed a vase and was about to fling it when Hiei stopped him, giving him a cold glare that plainly said, "If you kill your mom you'll be in jail for life, fool."  
  
"Shuichi is late," he pointed out. Sure enough, the clock on the mantelpiece read eight o'clock. Shiori screamed and pushed Kurama and Hiei out the door, throwing Kurama's backpack after them. "And hurry up!" she called after them. Kurama grumbled something about being too tired and just waking up and how bitchy his - her? stupid mom was.  
  
"Um.....Kurama, I...." Hiei blinked. Kurama wasn't listening to him at all. He was still complaining about his stupid life and his brainless mom in a loud whisper; so loud, in fact, that everyone in the vicinity could hear him very, very clearly. Maybe that was why they were all staring at him.  
  
But wait. Why were they whispering? Hiei's face darkened to a deep red as he heard bits and pieces of the conversations of the students they were walking past.  
  
"Oh, wow, is that Hiei's GIRLFRIEND?"  
  
"She kind of looks like that Minamino dude...."  
  
"Yeah, she does! Maybe they're like cousins."  
  
"Yeah, and Hiei's hitting on her just to get Minamino mad."  
  
"MINAMINO? DO YOU MEAN SHUICHI? OH MY WONDERFUL SHUICHI! I NEED TO FIND HIM FAST BEFORE MY FRIENDS CAN FIND HIM AND TORTURE HIM! *runs off*"  
  
Hiei was deeply thankful when the bell rang, ending the short break before first period.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Kurama and Hiei didn't have any classes together, so they didn't see each other for the rest of the school day. Hiei walked from classroom to classroom aimlessly, finally realizing after many confused stares that his first period class was across the campus.  
  
Kurama didn't have any of this trouble at all. His trouble was different. Getting to his first class was easy, and he knew where it was. But along the way, he kept being hugged by various people (guys) and once, some junior he didn't know actually PINCHED HIS BUTT. His BUTT. Kurama didn't know why, but at once, he felt a distinct urge to slap that person silly. And for once, he followed his instinct. The offending junior was taken to the nurse's office half an hour later with three bruises, five scratches, and one missing tooth. The nurse almost shrieked when she saw his hideous face, courtesy of the newest hottie in school, mystery-girl-who- has-no-name-but-whose-true-name-is-Minamino-Shuichi-and-she-didn't-start- out-as-a-girl. (A/N: He was a hottie before, but now he's a female hottie, so....you get my drift, right?)  
  
"Hey there, babe. Wassup?" rang through the halls. Kurama ignored them. "I'm talking to you." Still, he didn't bother to respond. After a few minutes of pestering, they gave up and went to talk with their group of friends, lamenting about the snobby new girl who didn't give a shit about anyone else.  
  
FINALLY, he got to his class. Everyone else was already there. The teacher looked up, eyes bleary, and said, "Are you new here, dear?"  
  
Kurama was about to say, "Like, hell no, you bitch," but stopped himself in time. "Err." He COULD say he was actually Minamino Shuichi, but would they believe them? Not if they were anything like the person who'd pinched his ass. "Yeah, I guess...."  
  
His teacher smiled. "Well, then, what is your name?" He pulled out a pen and pencil and waited expectantly for the new girl's answer.  
  
"My name is..." He cast around desperately for an inspiration. At last, his eyes stopped on a girl's lunch pail. "Keki." The class tittered. The teacher raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Are you sure? I mean, no offense or anything...oh all right," he sighed, straightening his glasses. "Surname?"  
  
"Jaganshi," he said firmly. "Jaganshi Keki."  
  
The only sound in the room was the faint scratching of the pencil on the roll book. "Well then!" the teacher exclaimed. "Let's get started, shall we?" He pointed to an empty seat in the middle of the last row. "You can sit there, since Minamino-san is obviously not going to get here anytime soon...." Kurama wanted to say, "I AM MINAMINO SHUICHI! I JUST ATE SOME PIES AND SWITCHED GENDERS!" but that wouldn't be good for his character....  
  
*poke poke*  
  
Kurama turned and saw a boy he had never spoken to leaning earnestly in his seat. "Hey there...Keki," the boy said in a low voice, his eyes half- lidded. Obviously, he thought that he was being especially seductive and sexy. Kurama almost snorted when the boy batted his eyes. 'Like a girl,' he thought. 'How lame.'  
  
"I'm sorry," he said, before the boy had a chance to go further. "I'm not interested." The boy's eyes widened.  
  
"Oh, but you don't really mean that...." He raised his hand and rested it lightly against the crooked of Kurama's neck.  
  
"Like hell I do," Kurama got out in gritted teeth. "And don't you dare touch me!" Sudden anger flowed through him, and he smacked away the hand. Now everyone, including the teacher, was staring at him.  
  
"It wasn't my fault," the boy was saying. "I was just offering to show her around, and she got mad and hit me."  
  
"I - he was trying to sexually harass me!" Kurama squealed in an unusually high-pitched voice. "He was, like, being all FORWARDish!"  
  
"Miss Jaganshi, do you need to leave the room.....?" the teacher murmured softly. "I'm sorry if you aren't used to the rules yet, but no where in this school will we tolerate unfounded accusations and violence."  
  
There was a silence. Kurama scooted out of his chair and pushed it back in with a bang. It created a loud screech, and many people winced. He made sure to step on the boy's foot and *accidentally* kick him in the shin before stalking out the door and slamming it hard. The sound of it echoed in the hall, and Kurama wished he hadn't gotten so angry. But there was no changing that anymore.  
  
Then he walked out the double doors and outside onto the grass, where the sun was shining in a pale blue sky. He collapsed onto the freshly cut lawn and stared up at the clouds. He played that little game of his, where he would try to discern shapes from the white puffs of cloud. He found an elephant, a computer mouse, and a huge grayish cloud that kind of, no, REALLY looked like Kuwabara's face when he was thinking of Yukina. Kurama almost laughed...but then someone behind him cleared his or her throat. Kurama blinked.  
  
Sitting up and turning around, he saw that it was Keiko. "Keiko!" he said, surprised. "You're supposed to be in class at your school...."  
  
She stiffened. "Do I know you?" she asked haughtily. "I've never seen you in my life. Although you DO greatly resemble a friend of my boyfriend--- I mean, friend of my friend."  
  
Kurama twisted his face into a sort of scowl. "Do I know YOU?" he asked, just as haughtily. "I'VE never seen YOU in MY life EITHER." Keiko looked confused.  
  
"But....if you didn't know me, how did you know my name?"  
  
"Oh." He was digging himself deeper and deeper into that hole.... "I, uh, recognized you from....somewhere. Your name just came to me."  
  
"I see...." She grinned. "Then you're a psychic?"  
  
"NO! I just - "  
  
"Oooooooh! Can you read my fortune for me? Will I meet the man of my dreams? Will we live happily ever after?" she demanded. "TELL ME NOOOOOOW!" Her voice went deep, and she seemed to grow several meters in that one second. He cowered beneath her huge frame.  
  
Kurama had no choice. Sighing in defeat, he muttered, "Hold out your hand." She did so, looking excited and anxious.  
  
"Hmm....." Examining her palm, he sighed again, just to make her nervous, and said, "Well now, dearie, I don't think you'll have a very good future at all..."  
  
"No?" Keiko's voice was stretched thin.  
  
"Nope. In fact, you'll have three miscarriages in the next year --- " He stopped himself before Keiko's face would grow any whiter. "But wait! There's something shadowy in there....the silhouette of a person...but who could it be?" Kurama gave a fake gasp. "It's....Urameshi!"  
  
"YUSUKE?" she squealed. "B-But....."  
  
"Yes, YUSUKE! He's holding white roses....he's wearing a tux....and there's a beautiful woman standing beside him...." At this point, Keiko screamed.  
  
"And the beautiful woman is wearing a wedding dress...." More screams. "And her face is now visible....the beautiful woman is...."  
  
"AAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"  
  
"You."  
  
"AIIIIIIII - wait, is that...." Keiko's face was dark red.  
  
"Good-bye." Kurama left her, smirking. Keiko called out, "Wait!" but he didn't turn back. Now, he didn't know a THING about fortune telling, but something told him that he should humor Keiko a little.....it was so fun to watch her scream....*that bitch*.  
  
"Hm?" Keiko? A bitch? Well, now that he thought of it, the stupid girl was probably the reason why Yusuke was so strong. But then again, she was so....tearful and idiotic...a bit like....HER. Maya.....  
  
He gave another sigh, but this one wasn't a sad one or a complaining one. It was a sigh of content. Kurama found that he quite enjoyed being a girl.  
  
~~~~~*~~~~~  
  
Back in his own school, Yusuke was having some problems thinking about math. Instead, he was flicking eraser shavings at the girl sitting in front of him, and watching as the little pinkish/grayish shreds of eraser landed in her bleached blonde hair. He worked at making more eraser shavings, rubbing his last eraser on his desk, creating little trails of white as he did. Someone rapped on his desk, and he dropped his eraser, looked down, and saw Koenma, blue pacifier in his mouth, squinting up at him. Looking around and making sure that everyone was frozen in that moment of time so they couldn't hear him, he took a deep breath....  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"  
  
Koenma shushed him, bringing a chubby finger up to his mouth. "I have recently gained the knowledge," he said, "that this Kurama person has been changed into a female. Now, this in itself is not very bad, because as everyone knows, males are more violent and aggressive than females, so we don't run the chance of being attacked by her. BUT, if she continues to stay as a girl until, say, next year, we will all be in danger."  
  
Yusuke snorted. "Why would you care? You're not going to be in any danger. You'll send ME to go be in danger."  
  
Koenma looked annoyed. "You know, I hate it when people get smarter."  
  
"Tchyah."  
  
"ANYWAY......! We will all be in danger because at that time, next year, I have arranged a ball."  
  
"So? Your homie-g's are gonna go over and dance?" He tried to imagine Koenma dancing with anyone. 'He'd be staring at their hips.....scary.'  
  
"It's a demon's ball. And every demon is invited. So, naturally, being a fox, Kurama will want to go to that ball because his demon side will take over and he'll ransack the place because everyone knows that female foxes and more aggressive than male foxes and that everyone at my party would die and all the jewels would be stolen and Youko Kurama would return as a menace to anyone who crosses his path and who has their share in gold." Koenma looked up at him pitifully.  
  
Yusuke ignored the look. "Who cares?" he muttered. "It's about time that you guys were robbed. You were getting WAY too rich and high-and- mighty and snobby."  
  
"Why, Yusuke!" Koenma looked shocked. "THAT'S no way to speak to someone who gave you a chance to return to life! I had expected a MUCH better response! If no one stops Youko, the world will die! Ah well," he sighed, "perhaps I should ask Kuwabara. He will make sure the world stays safe."  
  
"WHAT? Kuwabara fixes his hair in a pink Barbie mirror! You can't expect HIM to fight against Youko Kurama! He can't even win a fight against ME!"  
  
Koenma cast him a dark look. "I know, but since YOU aren't helping....."  
  
Silence.  
  
"OH FINE!" Yusuke stormed out of his chair. "I guess I should go right now and track down Kurama and make him turn back into a guy so that YOUR stupid home won't destroyed!"  
  
"Don't forget, Kurama may be a little touchy right now," Koenma warned. And with a loud POP, he was gone. Yusuke glared at the spot where Koenma had been a few seconds ago. But now, he was staring at a person's shoes. And the teacher was staring at him. They weren't frozen anymore.  
  
"Please sit down," the teacher boomed. Yusuke shook his head and grinned.  
  
"Sorry, Teach. I gotta go." He walked out of the classroom, feeling forty pairs of eyes following him, the teacher's burning evilly into his back. He didn't care.  
  
Now off to find Kurama before he ransacked Koenma's house.....  
  
A/N: Phew! This is SOOOOO tiring! *faints* *gets up again* Anyway, now that I know what going on, this fic should be pretty easy to go through with. Unless I hit that huge rock again like I did with my other fics.....  
  
I need some feedback and some help on Yu Yu Hakusho. I know I can just go on the internet and search on Google, but there aren't that many sites that give COMPLETE and TOTAL and CORRECT information....just stupid fan listings for Kurama and Hiei.....  
  
Please review! 


	3. Illness

A/N: This is getting to be fun. I wonder what I can do next. ^_^

Sorry for not updating. I was preoccupied. Don't ask why. And then my stupid little brother just HAS to ask: "Why?"

Well, there's my nonexistent homework. That takes about 5 hours a day. Then there's my painfully real Chinese homework. That takes about 3 hours. Then there's American Idol. I need to watch that. And my strange obsession with cookies. Computer cookies. I keep deleting them accidentally. Also, my bizarre mind that supplies me with weird ideas about how to make Hiei suffer. I should make this chapter extra long to compensate, huh?

I SCREWED UP. HIEI DOES NOT GO TO SCHOOL BUT I HAVE MADE HIM DO SO. IN DOING THIS DASTARDLY ACT, I SHALL PERFORM HARA-KIRI AND SAVE MYSELF FROM AN ANGERED FIRE DEMON. I WILL COMMIT MYSELF INTO DOING GOOD DEEDS IN THE AFTERLIFE, UNDER THE CARE OF THE LORD ALMIGHTY. AH, IF ONLY I HAD A SWORD!

Hiei: *appears* You can borrow mine.

The happy yet pessimistic authoress: Why thank you, Hiei. You are so considerate at times.

Hiei: *snorts* Yeah, yeah, just kill yourself and get it over with.

The happy yet pessimistic authoress: Yes, I know. Hey Hiei, did you know that when I type your name into Microsoft Word, red squiggly lines appear under it, and when I spell-check, you name isn't in the dictionary and they suggest corrections?

Hiei: Hn.

The happy yet pessimistic authoress: And the first word in the correction list is "Heidi"? Ah, what I wouldn't give to see you in those cute little pigtails! *imagines Hiei wearing Heidi's dress and braids* Oh my Lord, what a strange sight!

Hiei: *glares* Are you going to die or will I have to kill you myself?

The happy yet pessimistic authoress: I don't think I'll kill myself right now. Maybe later. *throws sword into trash can* *Hiei growls* Anyway, since I **_stupidly_** made Hiei go to school when he **_obviously_** didn't want to be there, I will apologize and say **_"I'm an idiot"_** five hundred times. Also, Hiei doesn't have to go to school anymore. Let's just pretend they threw him out, hmm? *smirks* Hey, what's with the bold font where I insulted myself? Hiei? Did you do that?

**Disclaimer**: Do you think I own it? I'm not as Narcissistic as Yoshihiro Togashi or whatever his name is. . See, told ya I know barely anything about Yu Yu Hakusho.

**By the way, "Keki" means "cake."** I thought it was weird. But it kind of fits. Cake can get rotten, right? @.@ Well, lets see. There are masculine cakes and feminine cakes. The feminine cakes are the vanilla, strawberry, and sometimes-chocolate ones. The masculine cakes are the chocolate ones, the ultra-sweet Birthday Cake Remix ice cream cakes, and the cakes where you eat a slice, and another slice, and another slice, and it never seems to disappear! The bi cakes are the vanilla cakes with footballs and basketballs on it, the upside-down pineapple cakes, and maybe the butterscotch ice cream cakes you can get at Baskin Robbins. By the word 'bi', I mean that they haven't decided which gender they are---in short, unspecified. Kurama changed from a chocolate cake to a strawberry cake because he did the unthinkable: he ate pie.

**Disturbed Vixen**: Oh? You like it but you…………err………what did you say again?

**Aka Bara**: Hmm? I didn't know this was going to be a YYH/Inu crossover…………it's YOUR job to write a very good one, not mine! *horrified* I have enough on my plate already! I have to finish my…………err…………um, my nonexistent English homework? Stop glaring! I can't take it! Aaaarrrghhhhhhhh…………*faints* *gets up again* Anyway, thanks for the help!

**Sakura Butterfly**: Awww………thanks! I didn't know it was that funny.

**The Dark Girl**: Thanks for offering to help! I do believe I emailed you, didn't I?

**Tenken no Miko**: *silence* *sighs* *shakes head* Miss Tenken, Miss Tenken………grammar! Anyway, thanks for reviewing! You know you can get away with not reviewing, right? I'll just beat you up, nothing big. ^__^

**Dustbunny290**: Thanks for reviewing! Yes, I will update……………

**Flower Petals**: Wow! Thank you for the compliments. I'm so happy. ^_^

Nine Months of Horror 

**By CocaCola43**

**Chapter 3: Illness**

           Yusuke walked quickly toward Kurama's high school…………or in the general direction where he thought it might be. He tried to look tough, so that the "gangstas" wouldn't try to slow him down. School was still in session, though, (A/N: He ran out, remember?) so there wasn't a lot of competition…………no, that wasn't the right word. He wasn't looking for a fight. Yusuke tried to remind himself that he was searching for Kurama's high school, but there was a tingly feeling in his right index finger that told him he was *that* close to firing his Spirit Gun at an innocent person. He might end up shooting the pregnant woman snoozing on the park bench, or the old men squatting around a deck of cards, or the Shiba Inu panting happily as it watch its masters squabbling in the sand box…………………

           He didn't know why, but this park gave him a cold, numb feeling. He shivered involuntarily and stuffed his hands into his pockets, the logic being that if his Spirit Gun *did* go off, he'd end up shooting……………himself. But wait. That wasn't a very pleasant thought. Yusuke took his hands out of his pockets and left the park. It would be best if he went where no people were.

~~~~~*~~~~~

           Pick.

           Flick.

           Plop.

           Pick.

           Flick.

           Plop.

           Kurama threw another pebble into the water. (A/N: XD) By now, he was safely three miles away from his hated teacher and his assumed name, Jaganshi Keki. He sighed and gazed into the pond, examining how much he'd changed. His face was slightly more ovalish, and his cheeks were rosier. His green eyes, unchanged, peered at his reflection through thick, dark eyelashes. His nose was smaller, his lips redder and fuller, his hair even more wavy, and his bearing much more supercilious. Was he really like that, arrogant and uncaring? Kurama tried to remember some of the thoughts that had gone through his mind that day. There was the one where he'd called his own mother stupid………………Kurama felt a sharp twinge of guilt. He was a girl now! He was supposed to be more feminine! Were all females like he was right now? If he continued acting like this, the next thing he'd know that that he'd joined a gang, gotten five tattoos and a nose ring, and smoked cigarettes……………Kurama looked at his rippled reflection again. Could this girlish face actually hide the monster of terror chewing away at his heart and soul?

           His face…………he was a girl, no doubt about it. He felt a thrill of fright. Kurama had heard of the dreaded disease that females got…………he'd seen its effect firsthand in the days when Maya was his girlfriend. Perhaps HE had contracted this horrible illness…………the one they called…………

           PMS. (A/N: Gimme a DUN DUN DUN!)

           He didn't know what it stood for, though. Call him stupid, but Kurama wasn't. He was just a bit aloof sometimes. Maybe PMS stood for…………**P**opulous fe**M**ales **S**trike or something. Who knew?

           So maybe he DID have it. Was there a cure? No one had ever mentioned one, so maybe there wasn't. Perhaps it was just like a virus, needing to run its course before dissipating. According to most females, the virus lasted several days, ending with extreme gloominess and then leaving, only to return after about 28 days. He wasn't very miserable YET, so Kurama estimated that he had about three or four days to prepare. He would have to warn the others.

           (A/N: I feel SOOO stupid, writing about PMS when I don't even know what it means……………honest! I just know it relates to that. I'm going to undertake my little brother's challenge to type the rest of this one-handed, so don't get mad if there are some mistakes that my stupid word processor didn't correct. Do you hear me, Microsoft Word? You are so STUPID!!!! DIE~!)

~~~~~*~~~~~

           "Really? She read your palm and told you that you'd marry Yusuke?"

           "Yeah! And that's so cooooool, because Yusuke's the only one for me," Keiko sighed happily. "And she said that I'd beautiful when I grow up…………"

           "But Keiko," her friend whispered back (A/N: You know, the one with the glasses………or do they both have glasses? @_@). "I thought you said you HATED Yusuke………"

           "That's right," her other friend agreed. "You said that he was the stupidest, most irresponsible idiot ever to grace this earth with his moronic presence, in those very words."

           "Oh." They were right………Keiko blushed a deep magenta. "I-I mean, that's so NOT cool, because Yusuke's the only one who I really can't stand…………STOP SMILING!!"

~~~~~*~~~~~

           "We're off to see the Wizard…………the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!" The song poured through every corner of the house. Atsuko yawned, scratched an itchy spot on her head, and turned the volume on the TV up with her foot. Hopefully none of the neighbors would hear it………but even if they did, it wouldn't matter much. They had already gotten used to listening to "My Favorite Things" sung by her at the top of her voice, why not the Wizard, eh? Of COURSE, they wouldn't mind! They never minded when her house was burning down……………

           Now Dorothy was finished singing and she was walking around with the scarecrow dude and the lion thing and the metal man. They looked so ridiculously stupid that Atsuko had to laugh, dropping her bag of popcorn in the process. Cursing, she picked up the little pieces of popcorn and threw them into the bag, with the occasional "EWWW!" when there was a ball of lint or a hair stuck to one of the kernels. Atsuko giggled and settled down, watching them walk. She laughed again. Atsuko was the kind of person who could get high on anything………… (A/N: Like me. Ask Tenken no Miko; she knows.)

           She made the volume even louder, until it couldn't go up any more. The Cowardly Lion's voice boomed from the TV set, and her glass of water rattled from the vibrations. "Oh," Atsuko sighed, "this is getting kinda loud, huh?" But she didn't do anything to change it.

           "We interrupt this program with an announcement………there will be a flood warning starting from 1:46 P.M. until 7:12 P.M. on this day in Tokyo…………(A/N: That is where they live, right? Sorry………no more interruptions from now on. Well, maybe a little. But not that much.)"

           Atsuko bolted straight up. White letters filled the screen, and words were moving across the top as she pulled on her jacket and stuffed the last of her popcorn into her mouth. "Say morrrf youfe iditof!" she said, her voice muffled by the snack. But then The Wizard Of Oz came back up, and nothing more about the flood warning was said.

           She ran, leaving the TV on, letting it blast out at full volume. "I hafta get Yusuke!" was the thought going through her mind as she stepped through the vast, deep puddles on the sidewalk, her umbrella billowing. "He's skipping school, no doubt, and he won't know………"

~~~~~*~~~~~

           Kurama was confused. One minute, he was thinking about his disease, and the next he was in the water, freezing his fingers off, feeling extremely angry about something. He was afraid at the same time he was mad. Was this what he would do at the climax of the PMS, just jump into an ice-cold pond and scream at the sky? For that was what he was doing: he was screaming his head off at the clouds, yelling insults, curses, and lamentations. He kept doing that, and he didn't know why, but all he knew was that it felt good. His pent-up anger was flowing out of his body with every shout, and with every second that passed, he felt increasingly free, like a bird.

           Then it started raining.

           The huge raindrops pounded the earth, and his yells were drowned out literally by the water. In a matter of seconds, there was an inch of rain on the ground. Kurama stopped shouting and stayed in the cold water, treading water silently, thinking about what he'd just done. In the past, he'd yelled like that before, and nothing had ever happened like this. It was as if the sky were in his command. He could make it rain whenever he wanted. But, he shuddered, he'd have to yell like that, most likely, and he didn't know if he could do so willingly. Perhaps he had unwittingly performed a spell, and his………screeching was really a hex. He wouldn't be surprised, the way things were just popping in on him with no idea of how they were possible………In fact, he had no idea anymore as to _why_ he was in the stupid pond when it was raining, and he was soaked to the core.

           Kurama sighed and grabbed the wet, muddy earth at the edge of the water, pulling himself up. He was dripping wet, and his hair was an uncomely, scraggly mess of curls. Ah well. After he got home he'd be _sure_ to take a nice, long hot bath…………Trudging through the mud, he made his way back to his house in a short amount of time, just fast enough to miss a briskly walking Yusuke…………

~~~~~*~~~~~

           "YUSUKE!! YUSUKE!!" Atsuko was going crazy trying to find her son. The first place she'd checked was the grocery store, for she knew that her son sometimes had a sweet tooth and enjoyed eating ultra-sweet ice cream cake (A/N: See author's note at the beginning of this chapter.) Yusuke wasn't there, so, using her common sense, she trekked to Keiko's house and peeked around, thinking about what she'd say when she caught him sneaking around, trying to scare Keiko when she returned from school like any other normal teenager. Unfortunately, her son wasn't very normal at all. Writing essays, studying for finals, oh, that was cool. Great, even. But when it was compared to what **Yusuke** had done, well, maybe fighting demons and returning to life just wasn't comparable with that………

           Running along the road (Atsuko had never had a high regard for street signs or sidewalks), she noticed a forlorn-looking, dripping wet girl of about fifteen years of age walking in front of her. Something about the girl seemed familiar. Maybe it was her red hair, or the way she walked, or her proud, straight posture…………in fact, she highly resembled _someone. _She forgot who. 

           "Hey, umm………" Running up to catch up with the girl, Atsuko reached out and took hold of her shoulder. It was still raining. She held out her umbrella dumbly and asked, "Wanna share?" 

           The girl turned her large, soulful green eyes on her. "If you want," she said carelessly, although Atsuko noticed the yearning look in her expression. "I'm not cold." Atsuko snorted. The girl grimaced. "But if you really want to lend me that umbrella………"

           Atsuko jumped in. "Have you seen a boy, miss?"

           The girl raised an eyebrow. "I've seen tons of boys, none of whom did anything to receive my respect."

           "Have you seen someone called………Urameshi Yusuke? He's my son. I'm searching for him."

           "Hmm. Maybe. I know him personally………" The girl smirked. Atsuko was worried. What was her son doing in the company of girls like this young lady? She hoped that Yusuke wasn't doing anything immoral………like cheating on Keiko with a prostitute………

           "How do you………" Then, deciding she really didn't need to know, Atsuko offered to take the bedraggled girl home and dry her up a bit. She declined politely. But then Atsuko got pushy………

           "YOU KNOW YOU NEED TO DRY OFF, DAMMIT!"

           A few minutes later, Atsuko was *prancing* on the asphalt, while the girl followed her sullenly, her face downcast like a child who had just been told off to the teacher. "You'll LO~OVE our house, dear," she sang. "Just stay there while I search for Yusuke, please. It would do much good!" She was high again. Perhaps screaming at stubborn people had a side effect. Whatever the cause, Atsuko was most definitely not a very reliable being right now. 

           Ten yards behind her, and feeling enormously misjudged, Kurama scuffed his feet and grumbled incoherently under his breath. It was bad enough that he was soaking wet, now he had to go to YUSUKE'S house with his annoying mother? What a coincidence. Yusuke's mom would keep him away from school.

~~~~~*~~~~~

           "BLISS!!!!"

           Atsuko sighed and shook her head fondly. The girl (she'd told her that her name was Keki) was taking her long, hot bath, and after what she'd gone through, it was a good thing that Yusuke wasn't home. The insensitive little pervert would try to spy on her! Poor Keki would be traumatized………and such a _pretty_ girl too………Long red hair………emerald eyes………a nice figure…………so willful and strong…………

           She felt immensely sorry for her future husband.

~~~~~*~~~~~

           A half hour later, KEKI was lying on the couch (A/N: Can't really call it a sofa………) with HER hands propped behind HER head and HER feet in the air, staring at the potted plant on the windowsill. "You are so pathetic," she said aloud. "You're like, dying, and no one here gives a shit." SHE jumped up. "Well, maybe I do." KEKI walked into the kitchen, grabbed a plastic cup with a flowery design, and filled it halfway up with water. SHE commenced to water the plant, sighing and talking to it the whole time. After a minute or two the cup was empty. KEKI placed it on the carpet and started poking the plant, examining it and making little "tsk, tsk" sounds. "You aren't very healthy at all," SHE cooed. "You poor little thing."

           The plant growled at her.

           KEKI glared at it. "Well, sorry, I'm just trying to help! Maybe I should just leave Atsuko and Yusuke to kill you. It would be a laugh." She paused. "Did you just………"

           More growling. There was a faint mustiness to the air, more so than five minutes before. Keki, with her super sensitive nose, noticed right away. "What's that smell…………"

           Then it hit her. "It's PLANT FART!!!" Keki snapped her fingers. "NO WONDER!" But how could a plant fart? Hmm…………

           Maybe Yusuke had some disease and passed it onto the plant. No, wait, SHE had a disease, didn't she? The **P**opulous fe**M**ales **S**trike disease? Perhaps, with the constant poking and watering, the plant had received the harmful pathogen and it caused a chemical reaction within the stomata that clogged the pores and forced the plant to transpire its waste --- oxygen --- in a different, abnormal way, making it fart! Oh, no! Keki clapped her hands to her forehead. The poor plant would die soon! It was already starting to gurgle and wilt!

           "Atsuko I have to get this plant to the hospital I passed a disease to it and now it's dying ATSUKO don't worry about me I'll make SURE your plant lives it's just a small case of Populous feMales Strike!" she called, and grabbed the plant, flowerpot and all, and ran out the door.

A/N: That last bit was for my own personal humor. Although this chapter wasn't that funny. I suck at writing, huh? Kill me if you want. I don't mind!

Hiei: *Growls* CocaCola43………you bitch………

The happy yet pessimistic authoress: *gasp* Now, Hiei, you don't REALLY mean that………

Hiei: Hn. *glare*

Kurama/Keki: *steps in* Hiei…………*warningly* *snaps up straight* *eyes glaze over* (Hiei's taken over his mind; maybe Keki's weaker than Kurama?)

Thank you, Kurama, for giving me that minute of preparation for the upcoming massacre. I will use it to finish this chapter. Now………_PREPARE FOR BATTLE!!!! Ummm…………HIEI'S GLARING AT ME WITH THREE EYES!! UH-OH. NOT GOOD AT ALL! AIIIIIII!!! Good-bye, people, as this may be the last time I speak to you…………_

_REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!_


	4. Time for What?

**A/N**: Thanks for the feedback! I'm switching the pronouns for Kurama from 'she' to 'he' at irregular intervals, so I hope that doesn't bamboozle you as you peruse this little anecdote of mine. Just remember: it's made with love. That didn't really make a lot of sense, did it? But I don't make sense, do I? Hmm……

Let's abbreviate the title of this fan fic. Let's call it……Nimoh. Because, **Ni**ne **M**onths **O**f **H**orror, you know?

Let's see………FANGIRLS ARE ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

That was 131 exclamation marks.__

I'm sitting at the computer in my comfy little office chair drinking Diet Coke, but I just can't seem to find the fragile thread that held this story together for so long. (Okay, for like three chapters, but still……) I'm thinking of a plot as I type. And I HAVE ONE!!! YAY!!! So, just read on and think about the little things you learn just from reading stupid fan fiction made by a person who's not even a real fan. But here's a warning that you MUST heed: It's going to take a little while to get to that part in the plot where everything comes together. So, can you be patient and wait the LOOOOOOONG/SHORT time until that chapter comes? Thanks. _(About the long/short I put: it doesn't mean anything other than I'm not sure how long it'll take. Once I had to do a poster on Islam, and I stayed up until 4 in the morning working on it, skipped breakfast, went to school an hour late just to finish it, and the teacher gave me a very tormenting grade: A/F. I asked why, and he said I did the Revelation of Islam instead of my real topic, the Development of an Islamic Civilization. So, after some persuasion, it went into the grade book as a **C+**. That's what brought my History grade down from a **98.4** to a **92.5** (A+ to A-), and I hated my stupid carelessness that day.)_

Here's some good news: I ate lunch today! *silence* *crickets chirping* What? You aren't happy for me? I had expected you to jump for joy and knock over desks in your euphoria, but I guess that isn't coming today. But I usually never eat lunch. And I haven't drank anything since yesterday morning. So, be a good sport and congratulate me on finally getting my act together and not starving myself in hopes of letting the day pass quicker and the weekend come sooner! *everyone claps* And no, I do NOT have anorexia! I'm a bit young for that kind of thing! *huge grin* *CocaCola43 takes a bow* Thank you, everyone. *tears in eyes; voice rises passionately* I won't forget your words! *sobs* *overcome with emotion* *swoons from hunger*

**Disturbedvixen: **You know, I take that as an insult, but maybe I'm just being stupid. I'm not American. Not really. I'm an ABC…or was it CBA? I'm one twelfth Japanese, but that doesn't really count. Yes I KNOW it's Keiki, but I thought that, well, the 'e' in Japanese makes the same sound as the 'ei', so……*sigh* But, is Keiki pronounced kay-eee-ki? Maybe I'm being overemotional. I hope you don't get mad at me.

**Sakura Butterfly:** Okay, okay. I'm typing the next chapter. I can't upload it because MY INTERNET ACCESS IS DOWN!!!!! Besides, I'm not done. So………anyway, thanks for the compliments!

**Tenken no Miko: **So. _That's_ what PMS means. I see. Wow. What a stupid word. And my writing is SOOOOOO not good. It is HORRIBLE!!!!!!! 

**Flower Petals:** This story is getting a bit crazy. And I have an idea for your story "**Random Things You'll Never Hear**". Make Fluffy say "Ooooh, Naraku baby, will you PLEEEEEASE help me put my hair in spikes? Pink spikes? And after that, can I do yours? I promise to choose a REAAAL cool color! How about purple?" Also, make Keiko say "Ooooh, Kuwa-baby, you're my hero! Let's ditch that stupid Yusuke and elope! Whee!" I could help some more, but……my stupid brain can't think of anything else right this minute. 

**The Dark Girl: **Of COURSE, you can write a little of the next chapters! I'm glad you even bothered to ask! ^_______^

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own YYH or the American Heritage Talking Dictionary. (That was where I got my definitions for everything; it's such a nice source.) I don't own Everything You Need to Know Before You Call the Doctor, either. And I certainly don't own this computer. Sigh.

Nine Months of Horror 

**By CocaCola43           **

Chapter 4: Time For What? 

            Kurama ran toward the hospital, which, for all he knew, was probably around ten miles away. He felt a deep sense of regret that he hadn't asked Hiei to join him; the fire demon was to Kurama as a cheetah is to a ladybug. He wasn't exaggerating. 

            He got to the building fairly quickly, quite sooner than he had expected. The place was a bustling beehive of movement, and the smell! It was horrible. Why did people get sick anyway, and have to go to this place where the nurses snapped, doctors lied, and receptionists didn't care about anything? Why did his mother have to get sick? She was better now, thanks to him (and Yusuke, he reminded himself), but he had been worried almost to the extent of getting sick himself. That cost him a few years of his life, the preparation of the mourning days. While his stepfather and stepbrother had been worried too, he had been _scared_. REALLY scared. His hold on the stunted, wilting plant tightened. He wouldn't let this plant die, even if he had to sacrifice his time or money. During the short time they had known each other (A/N: What, like twenty minutes?) Kurama had gotten attached to the little plant. He stepped into the waiting room and stopped short. Music was blaring from a tiny radio in a corner, there were magazines and newspapers scattered all over the carpet, the receptionist was painting her nails, there was a man drinking beer, and someone has just let loose a huge sparrow that swooped around the room, making women scream and children laugh. In short, it was hell for a meticulous, fastidious person such as Kurama. Becoming a girl had changed some things, but not his fussiness. Well, perhaps a little. Just a little, _tiny _bit. He walked to the receptionist slowly, keeping his expression even. "Excuse me," he whispered. The lady looked up.

            "What?" she snapped. "Spit it out."

            "I'm trying to check if this plant ---" Then, deciding it would be better if he lied a little, he said, "I'm sick. I need to see a doctor, now." He thought about it some more and added, "REAL sick. So sick I could die if it's not treated right away." He gasped for breath to emphasize his point.

            For some reason he couldn't fathom, the receptionist snorted with laughter, nearly dropping her bottle of metallic silver nail polish on the floor. "You'll have to wait," she gasped, after she'd calmed down a little. "The doctors are all busy." She resumed painting her nails, casting an apathetic glance around the room every so often. Kurama felt like he was going to lose his temper.

            "Look, lady, I'm telling the truth," he sighed. "Will you just let me see the doctor, and I'll ---"

            "What is THAT?" the lady asked, looking up from her nails and staring disgustedly at the plant. It made a small whimpering noise. "Is that some demented green animal you stuffed in a flowerpot?" Glaring now. "That's cruelty to animals, you know. I could have you arrested."

            "I'm not looking for trouble ---" he began, but the stupid woman interrupted him again.

            "Like hell you aren't. Bitch."

            Kurama blew his top. "SHUT UP!!!" he screamed. The whole room grew quiet, except for the classical --- CLASSICAL, who the hell listens to classical, Kurama thought bitterly --- music blasting from the radio. A mother gaped at him. Her son, a first grader with no knowledge of which words were forbidden, whispered very audibly, "What did that girl say, Mommy?" His mother replied, "She said a very bad word. Don't EVER, EVER say that, okay?" "Okay, Mommy. Can I have a soda?"

            "I said, I'm not looking for trouble. I'm sick, okay?" Kurama said quietly. He didn't want to attract any more attention than he already had. "Just set up an appointment. Or something. Hurry, okay?" Being nice would get faster results. What was that saying……? You'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. He hated flies. It was funny to imagine the receptionist as one. She'd fit in perfectly with the fly group.

            The annoying woman squinted at her. "Are you sure?"

            "No DUUUUUUURRRR. Ma'am," Kurama added quickly, in an effort to sound more polite. "And, can I please take my plant with me? We've grown very fond of each other, and……"

            "Are you sure you're okay?"

            'Yes – I mean, no. I'm sick!"

            "Are you sure?"

            "Yes."

            "REALLLLY sure?"

            "Yes!"

            With a final glare, she huffed and pulled a piece of paper off a notepad. It ripped in half, and she tossed it on the ground, yanking another and grabbing a black pen. "Name?" she grunted.

            "Jaganshi Keki." Kurama kept his voice low.

            "Why are you here?"

            "I'm sick." No duh. 

            "No, what disease, ailment, or virus" she pronounced the word with a disgusted 'ugh', "do you have?"

            Kurama was stuck. "Err. Um. Lactose intolerance --- no, varicella." He racked his brain for the names of the diseases he'd learned about in his biology classes. He didn't want to say PMS, because that would be a bit embarrassing. Even he knew that. "No, I suffer paroxysms of wheezing when I eat lettuce. Yeah. That's it. And lactose intolerance and varicella."

            She scribbled it on the paper. "Actually, I think you suffer from hypochondria. But whatever you say is fine. My boss told me not to contradict our patients. And varicella is chicken pox. I don't think you have that, do you?"

            "Yes, I do," Kurama said firmly. "It's just that the spots are in a place that I don't care to show to the public." He paused a while before asking hesitantly, "What is hypochondria?"

            "Look it up." She threw a huge, hard covered book at him. He caught it and read the cover: Everything You Need to Know Before You Call the Doctor: The Ultimate Medical Dictionary. In a smaller font below it, the subtitle read "A Straightforward and Sensible Home Medical Reference For Men, Women, Children, and Seniors." There was a picture of a human skull and an anatomical chart of the human body. He tried not to shudder. 

            Opening it, he went straight to the table of contents, looking in the "H" section for whatever the lady had said. "Hypo………" he murmured. "Page 359………" Turning to that page, he read:

**hy·po·chon·dri·a **( hº"p…-k¼n"dr¶-…) _n. _**1. **The persistent neurotic conviction that one is or is likely to become ill, often involving experiences of real pain when illness is neither present nor likely. Also Called **hypochondriasis . 2. **Plural of  **hypochondrium . **[Late Latin abdomen from Greek _hupokhondria_, pl. of hupokhondrion abdomen (held to be the seat of melancholy), neuter of hupokhondrios under the cartilage of the breastbone _hupo- _hypo- _khondros _cartilage; See **ghrendh- ** in Indo-European Roots.] 

Kurama read the definition and slammed the book shut. He was NOT suffering from hypochondria. It seemed pretty interesting though. Perhaps one day he could study it when he became a biologist. But that was a long way in the future. He didn't count on it.

The receptionist was looking at him indirectly. "Well?" she asked flippantly, tossing her bleached blonde hair. "What do you think?"

He took a deep breath. "I think you are crazy. I think this is stupid. I think that if it weren't for Frankie here, I would still be at Atsuko's house, watching TV or whatever she does. And I think that you should hurry up and get me an appointment with the doctor!"

Frankie (A/N: The plant) cooed and waved a leaf around drowsily.

~~~~~*~~~~~

            (A/N: Just so you know, Hiei won't be mentioned all that much in this chapter. Let's move on to Yusuke.) 

            Walking along the overgrown, untrimmed shrubs lining the sidewalk, Yusuke ignored the dead pine needles and dirt particles that had gathered on his pant leg. He wondered why the school uniforms were green. But the bigger question was why he was wearing it, although he didn't feel like answering any questions at the moment. Kurama came first.

            He hadn't been all that surprised when he'd been told that Kurama had turned into a girl. In fact, he'd almost suspected it would happen to him, since the guy looked so much like a girl already. He was sure that Kurama wouldn't look any different other than the fact that he had a visible chest and waist and hips, unlike a certain girl named Keiko. Of course, there was always the fact that Keiko really was a girl, and Kurama was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But Kurama had become a girl right after he participated in that pie contest thing. Yusuke frowned and tugged at a stray lock of gelled hair, trying to force it back so that he wouldn't look like he had a horn sticking out of his head. At least, that was how he imagined he looked. Now he felt sorry for rhinos. 

            Kurama had become a girl right after the pie-eating contest.

            Yusuke sighed and threw up his hands, giving up on his unruly hair. Why was he acting so self-conscious all of a sudden? He was supposed to be looking for Kurama. Poor Kurama. Maybe his mom wouldn't notice the change in her dear Shuichi, maybe not. It didn't matter, anyway. He was supposed to stop the ball by next year. That was plenty of time!

            But how was he supposed to help Kurama turn back into a guy? Hmmm……How could he achieve that? Surgery? That was a possibility, but he didn't think Kurama would take kindly to being a transgender, and he was apprehensive about what Kurama's mother would say.

            _"Shuichi? Shuichi, is that you? Where --- SHUICHI! YOU LOOK LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!!!"_

Yusuke thought about it and decided that it would be funny. Maybe on that day he could sneak over to Kurama's house and bring a camcorder. You know, blackmail material.

            But he didn't like being that mean to a friend. He blew a leaf off his nose and stared up at the bleak sky.

            "Stop."

            He turned. Hiei was standing behind him, his crimson red eyes glowing eerily, and his black clothing billowing in the wind. Yusuke stared at him, wondering why he was here.

            "Stop." Hiei kicked at a stone, and it clattered noisily off onto the road. "Toad."

            "Shut up."

            They stood, looking at the cars drive past, each wondering the same thing: why had Kurama turned into a girl? Then they both came to the same conclusion: it had been Atsuko's horrible cooking that had caused such a horrible thing to occur. 

~~~~~*~~~~~

            The metal bars were steaming hot, scorching to the young ice maiden. Yukina blew quickly on her fingers and walked away from the huge cage, wondering what the humans could do with such a structure. It reminded her of a torture chamber………maybe it was one. Yukina gasped and covered her mouth. If it was a torture chamber, what where the humans who controlled this place going to do? No! It couldn't be! They couldn't be torturing animals! The little squirlies and bunnies and kitties and birdies………

**A/N**: My office assistant obviously wants to contact you. Can you imagine, the annoying thing gave me a tip that read: "You should never dive into murky waters." And another that read: "It's never too late to learn to play the piano." HELLO!!! I've ALREADY learned to play the piano! And I hated it! Besides! He's supposed to teach me how to make Microsoft Word less annoying! *sobs* By the way, Miss Tenken, my office assistant is Links. But two seconds ago, I changed him into Da Dot. Da Dot is Da BOMB!!! Not really, though. I kind of miss Links. *sniff* Oh wait. The Dot just changed himself into a suitcase. And then a safe. And then a satellite dish. And then a trash can and then a bomb and then he blew himself up. O_O Cool! Now I'm changing it to Rocky. I love dogs! Rocky is so cool. Much cooler than the Dot. A little better than Links. –.^

We are………on fire…… 

_We have………desires……_

_Believe when I say………_

_One Backstreet Boy is gay……_

It's a messed up, TINY version of a better one. Leave me your email in your review and I'll email it to you with sound and all that junk. Lyrics, too. It's so funny! @_@ That is, if you don't like the Backstreet Boys. I like them, or used to, but still, it's very funny!

**MY THOUGHT OF THE DAY:**

**If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends? *smirk***

In the next chapter, I **_think_** (THINK) we'll explore why Yukina is here. _Maybe. _BUT YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW THIS: I HATE YUKINA. I HATE HER SOOOOOOOOO MUCH IT KILLS ME TO IMAGINE HER STINKIN' FACE. DON'T GET TOO MAD IF I MAKE GEORGE KILL HER WITH A CHAIN SAW OR SOMETHING. By the way, why is he called George? Hmmm…… By the way, sorry Yukina fans! If there are any! Say, can people fall in love with Yukina? :-P dunce!

**MUSINGS AND WHININGS**: (more whining than musings)

My life sucks. The people in it are horrible, and my friends are crazy. Sometimes they aren't, most of the time they are. They're all just slapping each other on the head and screaming and yelling and running around naked and asking questions about what it means when Tasuki says "Hey, Miaka, lend me your peaches," with a big grin on his face. And they eat paper cookies. And they pretend that a triangular rock is Soujiro and they name it Soujiro and they draw a happy face on it with black Sharpie and sleep with it under their pillow. And then they lose the rock. (I'm actually only talking about one of my friends.) And they write disgusting haiku about sex. And so does their brother. It's all just some stupid crap about 'Passionate kisses, love is dampening the air, *BLEEP* searches *BLEEP*." I'm afraid that after high school they'll just end up making enough money to buy ramen. By drawing porn. (Just one of my friends, the same one I've mentioned above.) My mom and my dad and my aunt spoil me too much, but my parents are obsessed with class rank, and my brother whines too much, and he just started swearing yesterday, and I'm very hypocritical. Sigh. I will stop whining now. I seem to have broken three pencils since beginning this huge whiny paragraph… More sighs.

_This is my letter to the world,_

_That never wrote to me……_

I was just watching TRL, and then after that VH1, and I realized something. Aaron Charles Carter is just a little kid. He is such a *BEEEEEEP*. In other words, he has a baby face that doesn't deserve to be fought over by two teenage drama queens who can't even write their own songs. And his hair reminds me of Saddam Hussein. And he wears stupid fake pimp clothes that make him look puny and shriveled up. Yes, I know, I'm being very bitchy. But Aaron Charles Carter is a f*cking male bitch. *GLARE* Oh, I guess I'm offending lots of fan girls/boys today, huh? Sigh. Well, to all of you out there, let me just apologize and I'm going to admit:

Aaron Charles Carter isn't that bad. Just my mood. And Yukina is actually really nice (as much as it pains me to admit it.) Sigh. I'm way too proud. My stupid dignity is more important than my well-being.

I'm sorry for being so whiny. Please cheer up this pathetic little girl by

REVIEWING!!!


	5. Switched Again?

A/N: I will try not to drag out this author's note too much. So I will say it and I will say it again: I'm a stupid idiot.

**DISCLAIMER: **No, I don't own YYH. But I think it's nice. And you YYH fans are thinking, "NICE? It's BETTER than NICE! It's GREAT!!! I LOVE it!" But you can think what you want. I don't really care.

I won't respond to reviews because I'm feeling a little queasy today, so, yeah. Besides, I don't even know what my reviews are and who reviewed, because I'm not connected today. But I must ask: Whatever happened to Aka Bara? 

**Nine Months Of Horror:**

**By CocaCola43**

**Chapter 5: Switched Again?**

Her eyes widened and Yukina shook her head violently, refusing to believe it. Not all humans were pitiless and cruel, after all. The bars were just some form of ningen art. She had heard some nearby humans talking, and from their conversation she could draw nothing vindictive, no malicious intent at all. It had gone like this:

Human #1: "Hey, Souji, wassup?"

Human #2: "Nothing much. You?"

Human #1: "Same old, same old. Hey, did you check out that blue-haired chick standing next to the freaky old guy? Hella hot, huh?"

Human #3: "Huh?"

Human #2: "Hell yeah! But what's wrong with her eyes? They're freaking me out, dude."

Human #3: "You freak out way too easily, dude."

Human #1: "Yeah, well, true beauty comes in weird packages, right?"

Human #2: "Yeah, whatever. Hey, did you see that new movie………Barney in Funky Land?"

Human #1: "Oh, yeah, that was hella tight, dude! Hey, what about that new Arthur movie, huh? And I can't wait for the newest episode of Dragon Tales to come out. I heard there's one where Cassie and Max fall into a lake and they have to be rescued, but I haven't seen it. Hey, what do you say about coming to my crib and checking it out on the tube, huh? We got some blangy new applesauce too, it's hella tight………"

Human #3: "Hell no! Barney is baby stuff! Let's watch Arthur instead………"

          See? How could anyone find wicked content in that?

~~~~~*~~~~~

          "Get the drift, Frankie? It won't hurt. It's just a little bit of plant food and fertilizer. It's going to make you grow big and strong, just you wait!" 

          The plant refused to listen to Kurama's coaxing, and thrashed its leaves around rebelliously. When Kurama gave it a fierce glare, however, it was subdued and obeyed his instructions meekly, if not reluctantly. Kurama set about fertilizing the plant carefully, and whispered knock-knock jokes to it under his breath. However, the poor plant could not move for laughing, as it was trapped under the immense strength of Kurama's fingers as he rummaged around for a pair of scissors. Finding one, he raised it up to make a cutting, but Frankie trembled and bent away, its long leaves wilting slightly.

          "Aww, come on Frankie!" he protested. "I'm just going to make a cutting, you know? That way you'll be instantly cloned, and you'll have a little brother to play with! I can't ALWAYS be around to entertain you, you know." He snapped open the blades. 

          The scissors were nearing the plant. Frankie quivered, his stem trembling, but it was over in an instant. Kurama dropped the scissors and triumphantly held a bite-sized piece of green leaf in his hand. "See? That wasn't so bad, was it? I can't believe you were ---" A sudden gust of wind breezed past, and it blew the cutting out of Kurama's hand. He lunged for it, but it just barely escaped from his outstretched fingers, and swirled around dizzily. When it finally landed, it fell into the stream nearby and drifted toward the lake.

          Kurama watched his hard-earned cutting disappear, and turned despondently to Frankie, who was shaking with fear; most likely he was afraid of Kurama pulling the scissors on his leaves again. "Don't worry, Frankie," he said sadly. "I won't try that again." The plant calmed down, but only after a moment's pause and a mistrustful sweep of the leaves. 

          He sighed and leaned back against a tall tree, studying the plant. "I really wish I could have made a clone of you," he said quietly. "I wanted to see if your genetic copy would be able to understand me like you do." The wind picked up again, tossing his red hair over his right shoulder. "Hey ---" He tried to smooth it back into its usual style, but it remained adamant, snubbing his efforts to put it back in place. It twisted itself into a long, loose braid, and darkened considerably, until it was a shade of dark brown, almost black. It shone blue in the dim light.  Frankie watched, seemingly amused, although you could never tell with a plant as intelligent as he. Kurama tried to get his hair back to normal, but it wasn't working. Besides, how could he change it back to red? He exhaled loudly and set loose a string of curses under his breath. 

          Far off in the distance, he saw lightning, followed by a rumble of thunder. He closed his eyes and thought of his mother. He had been so mean to her that first day, when he'd found out about his………transformation. He visualized her thin frame crouching down to pick up a newspaper while hugging a long shawl around her shoulders. She looked up at him, and smiled. _"Back from school already, Shuichi? I'm glad. Could you get that big pot for me, the one on the top cabinet? You're so nice and tall, and I really………"_

          Then lightning struck the tree and he blacked out.

~~~~~*~~~~~

          The first thing he saw upon waking was the white ceiling. That, and the concerned face staring down at him. It was a man………wait. A man? Where was he? The man had brown hair and a worried expression. Sitting on the very edge of his foldable metal chair, he smoothed the sheets of the bed Kurama lay upon and scratched his head. Kurama gave a soft groan and sat up, rubbing his temple.

          The man spoke. "Are you okay, sweetie? Does it hurt?"

          Kurama shook his head, wondering vaguely who the man was. He looked a little tiny bit like his father. But his father was dead. "I'm fine," he muttered. "I just………I'm fine."

          "Okay, then." The man still looked worried, but decided to let it go. "Uh………Want some coffee?"

          "Sure," Kurama mumbled quietly. The brown-haired man stood and left, looking at him anxiously over his shoulder.

          He was left alone sitting on the white sheets, staring at his hands. Where was he? The last thing he could remember was watching Frankie do a hula dance, and then, SOMETHING happened to make him pass out.

          Contemplating this, he fingered the blankets, restless and for some reason hoping that the strange man would come back soon. He looked at the clock hanging on the wall above the door. Four thirty-nine. It would soon be time for that TV show, _My Secret Garden. _He hoped the hospital --- was it a hospital? had a TV with cable.

          But what was _My Secret Garden _about anyway? Had he ever seen it? It was supposed to be very popular about sixteen years ago, according to his mother. But how did he know it existed?

          The door creaked open slowly, and the brown-haired man came in, balancing a cup of coffee, a bagel, and a plate of macaroni and cheese in a small tray. "I got you some food, too," he whispered. "Along with the coffee." He placed the tray down on the beside table, and watched him warily.

          Kurama bowed his head and murmured a quiet thanks. Taking the plate of macaroni, he picked up the fork and began eating quietly. The truth was, the macaroni was horrible. The cheese stuck together like rubber, and the noodles were stiff and hard. He almost broke a tooth chewing. However, he didn't want to hurt the man's feelings, so he finished the whole plate and smiled like it was wonderful. Then he picked up the bagel, eying it with distrust. Would it be as bad-tasting as the macaroni and cheese?

          Biting into it, he was surprised to discover that it was actually pretty good --- better than the macaroni, anyway. Blueberries were embedded in it like sapphires in a cocoon of granite. Was that possible? He munched on the bagel and thought about the equivalence, reflecting on his ability to make strange analogies. He could say that Hiei was to Yukina as a fart was to a burp, but that wouldn't be acceptable in language class. He could also say that he was to the brown-haired man as mountains were to oceans, but that was confusing and only half-thought out. Maybe one day he would succeed at thinking strange analogies and publish them all in a book, but that was a faraway, impossible dream. He would set his ambitions to first learning where he was, who that man was, and why this hospital seemed to be intent on poisoning it's patients.

          He gave a start of surprise. He seemingly no longer cared about turning back into a boy! The shock of this newfound idea wore away, though, and he was left thinking about his mother again, still masticating his bagel.

~~~~~*~~~~~

          "So what do you suggest we do?" Yusuke grunted.

          Hiei didn't answer. His crimson eyes were fixed on the car parked on the side of the road, but it was more like he was looking into the Great Beyond, where no one could reach him. Yusuke watched him for a moment, as if waiting for an answer, but then swept his eyes toward the sky and sang **"I'm A Slave 4 U"** under his breath. Getting into the spirit of things, he also began to sway his hips in the little Britney Spears dance. Passersby were staring at him with frightened expressions on their faces.

          "Mommy, why is that ugly man shaking his butt?" inquired a little boy with a lollipop in his right hand.

          "Pay no attention, Soichiro. He's a hobo. He doesn't know any better." The mother turned to leave, tugging on Soichiro's sleeve.

          "Mommy, can I give the ugly hobo a piece of candy? He looks hungry. Maybe that's why he's so stupid. Mommy, please?"

          "NO! Let's go, Soichiro."

          Soon a large crowd had appeared, surrounding Yusuke The Britney Spears Wannabe. Yusuke enjoyed the crowd, and started singing louder. When he finished one song, he went to another. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted some bright red hair. His heartbeat quickened and he turned his head, expecting to see Kurama. But it was Kuwabara.

          They stared at each other for a moment. "With a taste of your lips I'm………" The words faltered. Yusuke stared at Kuwabara; Kuwabara stared at Yusuke. Five minutes later, no one had moved a muscle.

          "Aww, man, this guy's boring………"

          "Let's go find some other hobo………"

          "Ah………ah……AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kuwabara gave a bellow of laughter. Tears of mirth poured down his gaunt cheeks. "HOLY---HOLY---CRAP!!!!!!! URAMESHI!!!! You listen to………to………BRITNEY SPEARS????????"

          "Shut up, Kuwabara," Yusuke muttered, his face reddening. "You don't know shit………"

~~~~~*~~~~~

          "Are you sure you're all right, honey?"

          Kurama nodded for what seemed like the fiftieth time that day, his neck uncomfortably sore. "I'm fine!" he said impatiently. "Just tell me where I am! And stop calling me honey. It gets on my nerves."

          The man obeyed, sitting down on his chair. Another man, presumably a doctor, cleared his throat.

          "Apparently your wife is suffering from some sort of amnesia, Minamino-san," he said, his deep voice resonating throughout the small room. "This………is surprising."

          "I know." 

          Kurama was about ready to explode with questions. Why was he………this man's………wife?

          "Is there anything we can do?" the man asked. His dark eyes were clouded over with worry. "I don't want my wife to………forget who I am."

          "Oh, but she WON'T!" the doctor exhorted eagerly, his face all alight with excitement. "No, she can stay in the hospital and we'll have some tests put on her, it's really no problem at all."

          The man turned toward her. "Do you……do you want to s-stay in the hospital for a while, Shiori-chan?" he stammered. "It wouldn't be for……for long………and that way we could help little Shuichi……"

          Kurama gaped at him, shocked. "What do you mean?"

          His face fell, and he looked miserable. "Don't you remember, Shiori? You're going to be a mommy soon, Shiori………"

A/N: Darn it. There's a bruise around my eye. It hurts.

I'm sorry for leaving you in the suspense like that…

Haven't you noticed how Kurama and Kenshin are nearly the same? They look alike. They have 2 personalities. They are mysterious. They are polite. Aloof. Girlish. Strong. Distant. Smile easily. You get the idea.

Heard about the new SATs? They should be easier for students to take. I'm still scared though. Maybe I should buy one of those SAT preparation books. I'll fail the math section.

The reason Kurama has red hair: Who knows? However, I have an idea why. But it might be too scientific. Ah well. **If Shuichi's father has brown hair, and Shuichi's mother has black hair, the reason Shuichi has red hair is that, because red hair is a recessive gene, both his father and his mother were carrying the recessive gene for red hair. Because the genes for black and brown hair are dominant, that color showed up the most.** This also explains why Kenshin has red hair.

I'm sorry if I bored you with my freaky scientific explanations for simple things like red hair. But………I'd really appreciate it if you

**REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	6. The Joys of Being A Mother? Well, Almost

A/N: Hi people. Haven't updated in a long time, huh? Well, that's because I had so little time to get my thoughts together. But now I have it.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot. And don't you dare steal it.

Warnings: Not much. Pretty tame – maybe even PG, at most PG-13. No sexual innuendos, nothing like that. Although you may never be sure . Oh, and Yusuke's time (the time Kurama left) will be referred to as YT. Kurama's time, where he is his mother, will be referred to as KT. Some grammar/spelling mistakes, maybe? I'm not a very smooth typist, although I am pretty fast.

**Nine Months of Horror**

**By CocaCola43**

**Chapter 6: The Joys of Being A Mother…Well, Almost.**

Kurama gawked at the man who had just revealed his situation to him. "What are you talking about?" he murmured, his hands trembling.

"I…Shiori…" The man looked helpless. "Don't you remember? You're going to have a baby, my son, and we're going to name him Shuichi, remember? Remember?"

He stared. He was going to give birth to himself. How screwed was that? The doctor cleared his throat yet again, and the man who would be Kurama's husband turned his attention on him, nodding deferentially. "You wanted to say something, sir?"

"You may want to let her stay at the hospital for a bit longer after she gives birth to her child. She may be unstable, both mentally and physically." The doctor smiled benignly, like the old man that he was pretending to act like. "Of course, most of the fees will be covered by your health insurance provider, but the rest…"

"I'll pay anything," the man said quickly. "Just…just make my Shiori remember again."

Kurama thought about what Yusuke would say in response to this statement, and then with increasing horror found that he could not imagine Yusuke's face in his mind very clearly anymore. It was being replaced by someone else's face…a man with swarthy skin and blue eyes, staring at him meaningfully. What did it mean?

_"Shiori…"_ the man moaned. _"Shiori…"_

His heartbeat quickened – oh no, was this man his former boyfriend or something? He had by now, in this short time, adapted to the fact that he was his mother, a characteristic Kurama was so admired for. The only thing he couldn't understand was why he became his mother. The memory loss he could get – after all, he was in the past now. Yusuke as he knew didn't exist yet. A sliver of fear coursed through him, and he thought wildly, _I could never be born! There might be a miscarriage, and I wouldn't be alive. I'd be stuck as Mom forever._

"I'm going to die," he whimpered. In an instant both the doctor and the man were upon him, asking questions and gently prodding his arm and stomach.

"Oh, Shiori, don't think such things like that. Of course you won't die."

"Minamino-san, you will not die from childbirth. You will give birth to a healthy baby boy. All the tests point to these results."

"Stop it," he shrieked. "I don't want a baby boy. I want to be myself again." He was sobbing. Was this how weak his mother was? Usually, when he had been Shuichi, he had never seen his mother cry. Perhaps he was the weak one, not his mother. He was, after all, occupying her mind. Then a thought struck him. Where had his mother gone? Hopefully she wasn't dead.

"I want my mother," he whined, and cried into a pillow. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the doctor sigh and shake his head. The man looked pained.

"Shiori…Shiori, dear, your mother is deceased. Remember?"

"I don't care! I want Mother!"

YT

"Dammit, where the hell is Kurama? I've been looking all around…" Yusuke trailed off. The lightbulb went up in his head, and he grabbed Hiei's arm.

"Hey, Hiei, we haven't checked Kurama's house!"

Hiei gave his mentally challenged companion a scathing glare, and swatted his hand away. "First, we should have looked there before we walked to Kyoto screaming 'Kurama!' Second, don't touch me. You're disgusting, you have what humans call 'cooties,' and I don't like you. Get away from me."

Miraculously, after this rude put-down, Yusuke's ego was still intact. "I'm so smart," he bragged. "Hey, let's go there right now! And you were the one that dragged me to Kyoto. We don't all have super-speed. As a matter of fact, I don't have three eyes either. Hey, what happens when you need glasses? Do they call you six-eyes? And where are you going to get glasses with three lenses? Oh, right, you won't need glasses. You just need new insults; I've heard those about a gazillion times before."

"SHUT. UP."

Meanwhile, Kuwabara was watching MTV. Hey, there were lots of hot girls! Too bad all the good stuff was censored; otherwise he would be glued to the TV screen everyday. As it was, however, he just watched a few shows and started reading Playboy. It was very enriching, after all. You couldn't see stuff like that in the textbooks at school.

A pole-dancer had just started kissing this guy with tattoos. His eyes widened. The pole-dancer took off her jacket. His eyes bulged. The guy with tattoos put his hands on the pole-dancer's butt. His eyes popped out. The pole-dancer was about to take off her shirt – Oh, and they were having technical difficulties and asked him to stand by, please.

He sighed. Kuwabara took pleasure in few things other than insulting Hiei and watching objectionable television, but when the going went tough, he would just have to wait for them to fix whatever technical difficulties they had. He took a bite out of his croissant and sat on the couch patiently, a benign expression on his bony face.

"Kuwabara?" a voice called out. He sputtered and almost dropped his croissant on the carpet. "Open up, we're looking for Kurama."

"Go 'way! I don't got no Kurama here!"

The front door collapsed, and in terror Kuwabara shielded himself with his croissant. He saw Hiei smirk and say something, and Yusuke laughed. Angrily, he lowered the croissant and yelled, "Whatcha think you're doing to my door? Mommy's going to kill me!" He covered his mouth in shock – he'd referred to his mother as Mommy in front of these hoodlums!

Yusuke looked surprised. "We're looking for Kurama, kiddo," he said, barely containing his laughter. "Go run for your mommy later; we're taking you with us."

Against his will Kuwabara was forced to cling to Yusuke's arm as Hiei knocked over the bookcase in which laid all his posters of posing females and DVDs. "Mommy," he squeaked. "I'm sorry."

He was shoved out of the house and given the curt order, "Go look for Kurama in that direction." Grumbling, he trudged westward, imagining what his mother would say when she found out that her son had been kidnapped by the same people he called his friends. Probably "I'm very disappointed in you" or something like that. He cringed – it was always horrible when his Mommy was mad. Somewhere along the way he dropped his croissant – it was probably bird food now.

"Kurama," he shouted. "Kurama." No answer. He shrugged and entered the nearest café. Perhaps there he could find a replacement to the croissant he had dropped.

"Hi, I'd like a croissant please, no sugar, please. Hey, you're pretty cute. Hey, wanna go out – OW!" He rubbed his cheek as the cashier glowered at him. "I'm sorry, okay?" Minutes later he was presented with a croissant, rather beat-up and wimpy looking, with a huge amount of sugar on it. His stomach roiled – how was he supposed to refrain from becoming hyper if he was forced to eat a croissant with sugar?

"Never mind." The cashier made a rude hand gesture. "Fine, fine!" He grabbed the croissant and sat down at a table, sighing. He had paid for it so he was expected to eat it, but he didn't want to.

"Ahh…" His mouth open wide for a bite, his eyes wandered around the small café and landed on a head of dark red hair. The croissant dropped on the ground in his shock.

"Kurama!"

The person turned around, smiling. "Yes?" The smile was that of a stranger, filled with politeness and slightly protective.

"It's me, Kuwabara! You know…" He scratched his head. "The one who almost beat you in that pie-eating contest?"

Kurama shook his head. "I remember no pie-eating contest. Perhaps you have mistaken me for someone else."

"No! I…"

"Would you mind telling me what your name is?"

KT

"Where's my mother?"

The man shifted and scratched at his collar uncomfortably. "Erm…Shiori, let's just calm down and think…try to remember everything…"

Kurama closed his eyes and recalled his days with Hiei. It was the first thing that popped up into his mind.

"Think about your wedding dress."

What wedding dress? Kurama racked his brain for something relating to the wedding, but nothing came. Wait! The color…color white…and red. Floor-length, luxurious silk, lace collar…with white satin gloves. He briefly recalled his ring, and looked down at his left hand. Yup, it was there, every diamond, every part of the sparkling silver goodness.

"I remember," he whimpered.

The man looked relieved. "That's great, honey," he said enthusiastically. "Now think about little Shuichi, who's about to be born. Can you think about that? Do you remember when we…" He blushed.

"No," he said curtly. "But I'm going to try."

YT

Kuwabara blinked. "You mean you don't remember?" He thought for a few minutes, and then the lightbulb went off in his brain. "I get it! You're not Kurama, you're…" He trailed off, only to whisper dramatically, "Minamino Shuichi." He smiled triumphantly, reminding himself to thank Yusuke for telling him about Kurama's…condition.

The girl who would be Kurama laughed. "Of course not. Shuichi's my son – how can I be him?" She smiled. "You must be mistaken." Green eyes crinkled in the corners in mirth.

The poor orange-haired boy gaped at her. "Kurama…I'm not that stupid."

She smiled again.

"I mean it. I'm not the idiot Hiei's always talking about. I have feelings, I have rational thoughts…Please, don't try to poke fun at me." Kuwabara sighed and ran a hand over his stubbled chin.

"You know you're not really your mother," he continued. He was really getting warmed up – maybe he could be a psychologist! – "I'm not sure what happened to you exactly, but first you turn into a girl and then you start telling me you're your mom…I really can't understand you. You and Hiei were always the mysterious prettyboys of the group. Well, not Hiei so much," he added as an afterthought. "He's a little too short to be considered a prettyboy…maybe he could drop that glare he always has…and wear something brighter, like pink…Yeah, pink's good…"

'Kurama' just grinned.

"Listen to me! My speech isn't about pink or Hiei or prettyboys – it's about YOU, Kurama, and…Um…the point is…no, it's not about you…it's about me…Wow, I've been talking about myself all this time?"

"Who's Hiei? Who has my son been associating with? Are these dangerous criminals? Should I be worried? Who are you?"

"Don't get me started, Kurama! Jeez, for a prettyboy you really are annoying…then again, you're more of a tomgirl now…" Kuwabara was really getting it on now.

KT

_It's so horrible to look this **fat**…_

A/N: There's the ending of this chapter. I don't think it's going to be drawn out much longer, I've gotten tired of writing this. There's really no point anymore. Hehe.

Review, please!


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